The Dark Side of Spirituality
I didn’t realize this path could come with so much pain.
I honestly thought my spiritual awakening was going to be more fun than this. I was expecting a “Let it Go” moment a la Frozen. Instead, I’m getting mood swings and existential dread. I’m not experiencing the ecstasy of connecting with Mother Nature, I’m holed up in my New York City apartment during a pandemic that shows no signs of slowing down. I’m having a rough time. I’ve been unable to find a job and I’m completely financially dependent on my parents. I’m struggling to get acting jobs. I find it hard to get up in the morning. My motivation and drive have all but disappeared completely.
Life kinda sucks right now. And that’s okay.
I used to see these struggles as a sign that I’m doing something wrong, that I’m not “spiritual enough”. That I’m thinking negative thoughts, so I can’t possibly expect anything good to happen to me. That I’m just being spiritually lazy. I’m not meditating enough. I’m not doing enough yoga. I just need to change my mindset, that’s it. Just be happy, be positive.
2020 has taken a lot out of me, and so far, 2021 has drained me too. But maybe that’s exactly what I needed.
Most of my life has been ruled by negativity. I struggled in school, I struggled to fit in. I didn’t have a lot of friends. I have a phobia that still lives rent-free in my brain. I hated myself. I complained about everything because I didn’t know how to do anything else.
I’m not that person anymore. I don’t talk about these negative beliefs anymore, because no one likes a person who complains. I pretend I’m not still dealing with a lack of self-esteem and confidence. I never truly worked through those negative beliefs, I just shoved them down. Told myself to “be positive” and “think good thoughts”. Now I’m paying the price. These emotions are bubbling over, and now I have to deal with them.
Being positive requires letting go of negative and fear-based beliefs, which requires you to dig down deep to the root of those beliefs. And it’s not fun. It straight-up sucks. Yeah, I know, that’s not very “positive thinking” of me, but it’s my truth right now. And sometimes I think I let go of a belief, and then it comes back. So then I have to start back at square one of identifying the root of the belief.
I’m exhausted. I’m tired all the time. But I have to keep going because there’s no other choice. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel so I have to be the light. And despite the pain, there’s a fire inside of me that refuses to go out. That fire may be dim, but it’s there and it’s helping me create a world I want to live in. It’s what gets me out of bed every day. It’s the reason you’re reading this right now. It’s my true self.
I know all of this will get better eventually. I will come out of this mess a stronger, better version of myself. And when life throws another plot twist in my direction, I will have learned how to work through any fear-based beliefs that may come up. I’m excited for what the future has in store for me.
So yeah, spiritual awakening isn’t always fun. Sometimes it’s painful. But it won’t be that way forever. So don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re doing great. Keep that fire in you burning.
